Interview: de Salsa-Bertilson Campaign

Using the questions of the esteemed Miss Blake, Tortillia Sentitude interviewed the de Salsa – Bertilson campaign.

TS: Why exactly, do you want to be president?

QdS: Well, it's quite simple, really. There are people out there who are incapable of serious, abstract, or otherwise interesting thought or speech. We need to ensure these people don't disappear off Islas merely because they're afraid to say something. In a sentence, we need to ensure the morons don't overcome the geniuses, and vice versa.

TS: Why do you think you'll be a good leader?

QdS: Because I'm honest. Look. I may be a machine, but machines are made to do things. And, if used correctly, we always do what we're made for. That said, an MP3 player as a president might still not seem a very good idea. I, however, am aptly programmed to the molecule to do the best for everyone...even the little man!

TS: What do you intend to do when you're President? What are some solid objective goals for Islas?

QdS: Well, look. First, Islas needs a good bunch of entertaining videos at a respectable frequency. To obtain this, it would probably be best to elect Miss Hunter or Mr. Denhoed, but Noah's not doing so bad either. It may have taken him more than twenty takes to capture his first campaign video, but it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been on his back with a couple dozen wet noodles. He'll learn.

Second, Islas needs to have more intellectual conversation. This is a call more to the stuttering, unvoiced masses than to the eloquent and the talkative. This goal could obviously be achieved by another administration, but I'm asking for your vote.

TS: How will these goals affect us as Islasers?

QdS: On the first one, hopefully, you'll laugh. Laughing is good medicine, and colds are going around with you humans; in fact, Mr. Bertilson has one right now. He's actually had it for quite a while.

On the second, I hope we will have more people spewing nonsense, in hopes that we, united in both stupidity and genius, fearful and brave, joyous and downcast. That way, perhaps, Islas will become greater, like iron sharpening iron. We need not be silent.

TS: How do you answer to Mr. John Ahern's accusation that you're appealing to the baser instincts of Islasers?

QdS: First, I'd like to point out this was an accusation against Mr. Geleynse, not me or Mr. Bertilson. Still, this point could be made. Given my previous statements, I have little doubt that question does not need to be answered here.

TS: Mr. Bertilson, Mr. John Ahern has suggested that you might assassinate your MP3 after the election - Do you intend to take this suggestion seriously?

NB: In truth, assassination has only passed my mind as a dark thought, quickly to be tossed into the black mental abyss. On the other hand, in recent days, Quivie and I have discussed the possibility of breaking our current ticket in half and having myself as either one or the other part of another ticket. This seems nearly impossible, as there are few active Islasers who are not either running for President, vice president, prime minister, vice minister, or already supporting a candidate. Miss Russell, who we previously queried on the possibility of her becoming our campaign manager, but, as I recall, she considered herself much too busy for such a venture. Also, I'd like to remind Mr. Ahern that Quivie has not merely Coldplay, though it does occupy a fairly good portion of her music. Also are the Dark Knight and Batman Begins, by Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard, at least the latter of which might be credited as something of a classical composer. Also included are several singles from various bands, Klaus Badelt's Pirates of the Carribean, Hans Zimmer's Crimson Tide, and Harry Gregson-Williams' The Chronicles of Narnia, the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. As you could easily deduce, I think, Quivie is not by any means only occupied by Coldplay's songs, but also by numerous other bands and composers.

TS: What do you have to say to those who believe an MP3 player is not a fit president for ISLAS?

QdS: Well, if I'm not to be included on the ticket, vote for me anyway, but yet make it known you'd rather not have a two-ounce brick of metal, plastic and silicon, and, perhaps, we'll consider other options after the primaries.

TS: Why should we vote for you?

Both: Well, if you're a moron, or even an overexposed genius, who's better for you? We mean to attempt to reclaim the balance between the two, and hopefully set in place measures to ensure that continues. Islas should not be only a place for the intellectual, but for the blockhead who looks up to the aforesaid. Islas shouldn't have to turn down newbies, because the smart ones will not only tolerate them, but attempt to impart their knowledge and intelligence to those who ask. Islas, remember, it was words, two thousand years ago, which made the lame leap. Today, it need be no different.

Quivie de Salsa promises much for the population of ISLAS, such as uniting everyone in their lack of intelligence and overabundance of intelligence. Does this promise a strong campaign, or will those ISLAS-ers who are easily insulted take offense at the implication that there are 'morons' on ISLAS? De Salsa gives hope of a strong ISLAS with laughter and insanity, but will these be able to overcome the fact that she is but a small machine, running for office? Will ISLAS be able to look past her shiny metal exterior to the beautiful being within?

The weight of the election lies upon our shoulders, here at the Scoop, and we will try to finish off the interviews as speedily as possible. We know many of you are impatient for the election to begin.

Please contact the Scoop at theislasscoop@gmail.com to send in articles, interviews, suggestions, etc. Also, you may contact Miss Blake for information, if that is easier.

2009 ISLAS Election: Tension on the Rise

Introducing Vilbert Pear, another pseudonym reporter for the Scoop.

Polls have been put off for weeks, now, because of late-joiners in the race. There are six campaigns, all hoping to win the presidency, waiting for the first poll to be put up. The population of ISLAS is waiting for the election to begin. Lauren, one of the two administrators of ISLAS and also a runner for president, said almost a week ago that she would put up the first poll in a week. Will keep her promise, or add on more time for more 'campaigning'?

Are the people of ISLAS becoming restless? Perhaps not yet, or perhaps there's impatience on the rise, just starting to bubble. Could the administrators of ISLAS have a mutiny on their hands in the upcoming days? Various people, who will remain unnamed, have stated that they believe they could do better in 'administrating' over ISLAS. Though this is doubtful, Lauren may have trouble on her hands if she says she needs more time again.

Interview: Hunter-Regentin Campaign

Next Miss Blake has interviewed the Hunter-Regentin campaign, using most of the same questions.

EB: Mr. Daniel Hunter and Miss Lyss Regentin,

Why do you want to be this year's presidential team?

DH: Because we believe we can make ISLAS a better place.

And we're cool.

LR: I believe ISLAS needs us, and that we can give ISLAS the full randomness and craziness that it deserves. And we’re cool.

EB: Mr. Hunter and Miss Regentin,

Why do you think you will be good leaders?

DH: Good question.

I personally believe that I could be a more superior leader than any other candidate could because I am unique, and can offer ISLAS a completely new level of insanity, lameness, change, and awesomeness.

LR: I came from the original ISLAS, I was a real ISLASer. I remember the old days and the good times. As VP, I would like to use my oldie skills, and Mr. Hunter's more, ahem, newer qualities and make ISLAS have the perfect mixture of each.

EB: What do you intend to do when you're President? What are some solid objective goals for Islas?

DH: If I win the elections, I will make a new avatar and signature store

And make people avvy's and siggy's free of charge

I will execute a few people, make awesome campaign videos, and make new friends.

LR: Our first goal is to hand out chocolate to everyone. Everyone should have chocolate!

EB: How will these goals affect us as Islasers?

DH: It will make some of you dead, and make some of you have awesome siggy’s and the rest of you happy.

LR: People will be happier. A happier ISLAS means more posting!

EB: How would you answer to Mr. John Ahern's accusation you are engaging in "inexcusable Demagoguery"?

DH: I think it is not true and I haven’t been doing any of that.

LR: I would like to know first what Daniel's inexcusable suchlike actions are. Then I would like to ask, don’t all presidential campaigns? Whether they are extremely noticeable or not, I refuse to point out faults in other campaigns. Overall, I believe Daniel has been no worse then anyone other President hopefuls.

EB: Why should we vote for you?

LR: Because we have chocolate! And we want to bring the forum together, newbies and oldies alike to keep the spirit of ISLAS alive!

DH: Because we will offer ISLAS stuff never seen before, as stated above.

I really enjoy strawberry shakes, cookies, peach cobbler, and ice cream. If you do as well, Vote Hunter-Regentin 2009!

The Hunter-Regentin is offering great benefits: awesome avatars, super signatures, and wonderful chocolate – the whole deal. It looks like everyone can be expecting little packages of chocolate in the mail! They’re definitely using a new approach to politics. Their goal is to bring happiness and posts to Islas. They state they will do this by fun benefits, executions, and chocolate. Their campaign claims that using Daniel’s new ideas and Lyss’ experience they will unite Islas towards greater happiness and chocolate. Islas is very much bound up in its forum – these ideas of Mr. Hunter and Lyss will perhaps draw the forum closer together in awesomeness. These ideas will definitely excite voters for Hunter-Regentin. The chocolate especially, brings exciting thoughts to mind. What flavor? Milk Chocolate? Will the Presidency be providing us with high quality chocolate? How much chocolate?

However, perhaps this is taking an overly optimistic view of humanity. Will chocolate and executions really create friendship and happiness? Is it realistic to promise chocolate to the Islas nation? Should Mr. Hunter have something more serious to bring Islasers together? Or is Islas the very soul of Islas bound up in such antics and grave ideas are unnecessary to unite Islas?

I realize that some of you have expressed concerns about the nature of your reporter. Yes, I am an outright supporter of the Geleynse-Bertilson campaign. However, I will not edit any of the other campaigns in such a way that would cause their credibility or desirability to fall such as putting in excess typos or misrepresenting views. In interest of readability, I am editing all irrelevant chatter from all campaign interviews. I will also try to make my completing blurb as unbiased as possible.

Thank you,

Erin ~ Reporter for The Scoop

Interview: Geleynse-Bertilson Campaign

On Tuesday, Erin Blake, reporter for the Scoop, interviewed Mr. Geleynse and Miss Bertilson concerning their candidacy.

EB: Mr. Andre Geleynse and Miss Regina Bertilson,

You are running for the Office of Prime Minister and Vice Minister.

Why exactly, do you want to be Islas's coming prime ministerial team?

AG: Not only do we believe Islas deserves better than just executing everyone in sight,

We also want to unite ISLAS, and bring them together over new and exciting ideas and schemes.

And always remember, my fellow Islasers, remember this - the answer. Remember...42!

EB: Why do you think you will be a best leader for Islas?

AG: Islas needs a leader who can defend against attacks, both physically and mentally. We can do that, because we’re smart, funny, and I know karate! Obviously to lead in Islas, insanity is needed, which we provide in generous proportions, although we retain enough sanity so that we don't suffer from any true mental illnesses, like Multiple Personality Disorder.

EB: What do you intend to do when you are Prime Minister? What are some solid objective goals for Islas?

RB: We have three official ideas, two that, I promise, will provide much entertainment for the populace of ISLAS through the coming months, and one that will to make difference in the real world.

EB: How will these goals affect us as Islasers?

RB: The humorous ideas, with the traditional ISLAS spirit will help form new generations of ISLAS-ers and join the old generations with the new and help sooth election sores.

Our serious idea will help strengthen ISLAS resolve to change the world for the better, to Do Hard Things.

EB: How do you answer to Mr. John Ahern's accusation that you're appealing to the baser instincts of Islasers?

AG: Yes, Mr. Ahern's views are understandable given the way we have been running our campaign so far, but as you will no doubt learn from this interview, we have several plans that most certainly appeal to more than Islasers’ “baser instinctis”.

EB: Why should we vote for you?

AG: It is up to the voters who they want to lead, of course, but I honestly think that we would be the best for Islas. We will provide both hilarity and honest helping work. I mean...Rufus supports us, so it must be true!

Over the whole of Mr. Andre Geleynse’s Prime Ministerial campaign, there has been a type of joy and insanity. His closing remark evidences this – As does his opening statement, “Remember…42”. This is perhaps a good thing; one that encourages spirit and humor in Islasian commoners. If Andre and Regina could only advertise humor, certainly, their candidacy would be quite shallow and debatably worthy.

Nevertheless, it appears the Geleynse-Bertilson campaign is adding a new factor to their campaign: sober ideas. However, they have not given any factual promises. They have only let on that they have ideas. Yet this seems to be an improvement over their former shallow campaigning. They would have us believe the meat of this campaign is two-fold containing both jolly hilarity and serious ambitions. The policy of secrecy about important matters could excite voters, or conversely, it could turn them off.

Is their “honest helping work” something for us to be excited about? Will hilarity and “Hard Things” be the best for Islas?

I leave this to you, voters, to discern.

Please contact the Scoop at theislasscoop@gmail.com to send in articles, interviews, suggestions, etc. Also, you may contact Miss Blake for information, if that is easier.

Interview: John R. Ahern

Conducted by the brilliant Miss Erin Blake, an interview with our very own former president, John R. Ahern:

As the time of voting draws nigh, the Scoop has decided to run a series of interviews. We hope to interview all of the candidates and have an article on each campaign. However, the Scoop’s team of editors has decided that it would be fitting to start the series with an interview of our former president, the Honorable Mr. John Ahern.

I started the interview with a general question concerning the elections:

EB: How do you feel about these elections?

Do you feel that any of the candidates have the ability to improve life in Islas? - Do you think any of them has the ability to surpass the example you have set?

JRA: Naturally, it wouldn't be modest of me to speculate on any of the current candidates surpassing my precedent. But I have my doubts, in general, about the Islas elections. Most of the candidates I simply don't think can do the job of leading Islas, and the ones who could probably won't get elected because the Voice of the People represents a people profoundly devoid of understanding. I'm grieved -- truly grieved -- at how far down the quality of posting has gone in Islas over the summer. I think this may be due, in part, to a sort of high or rowdiness that Islasers get after having met other Islasers. We all know that happened.

EB: So how do you feel about giving up the power, personally? Do you long to continue to be in control? What about these rumors of you taking control of ISLAS, and becoming supreme dictator?

JRA: Oh, the nostalgic, megalomaniac pangs are always there. Sometimes I just wish they were strong enough to take hold of me and give me the inspiration to declare myself dictator...but I am weak and infirm in my old age, and I doubt my feeble constitution would allow me any dramatic entrance into politics.

EB: Which campaign are you considering supporting?

JRA: I really can't say, but I promise all the fair readers of The Scoop that I will announce my endorsement of an Islaser shortly before the elections.

EB: What do you think about team Denhoed-Denhoed? Do you think its slogan "Avoid a Feud" is bizarre? What about Mark running with himself? Will that make a good presidential team?

JRA: I admit, "Avoid a Feud" was a slightly uncomfortable rhyme. And I, for one, found the idea of running with oneself amusing, partly because I think not a few of us were expecting he would run with who turned out to be his campaign manager, Hannah Roorda. And, while I did like the recent speech he gave his campaign techniques, I think DenHoed, like everyone else, has yet to prove himself a worthy candidate, let alone a worthy team.

EB: Team Geleynse-Bertilson. What do you think of them? Do they have enough content, or are they just a bandwagon? Their slogan - Does it add?

JRA: I think it's clear Mr. Geleynse has obvious sway in the public and has voiced concerns that a majority of Islasers can sympathize with. But his popularity is faltering at this point, partly due to the many other alternatives that have been popping up. And I do have to object all those obnoxious signatures he's making. He's appealing to the baser instincts of Islasers, and I'm not particularly impressed in that regard.

EB: De Salsa-Bertilson. Do YOU think running with an MP3 is a poor idea? What about others in Islas? Will Bertilson be a good leader? Will he be submissive to his MP3? Too submissive?

JRA: It all depends upon what he has on his MP3. Coldplay? My, my, I really couldn't stand that as president. I'd be slightly more comfortable if Bertilson outlined a plan right now for assassinating the other half of his ticket.

EB: Taylor-Jaramillo. What do you think? Will the Prokofiev-Goat theme hold, if they get elected? Will it get them elected? Do you believe they have the Panache and style?

JRA: Impressive. I've always admired the musical tastes of both. But I'm skeptical that they're presidential material.

EB: Hunter-Hilton. This team has definitely set themselves up to be the intellectual team. But in your opinion, would turning Islas into an intellectual forum be a good thing? Or would it kill the unique spirit of Islas pride?

JRA: I think the intellectualism is compelling, but they're going to have to prove themselves accessible to the public. We've hardly heard a word.

EB: Hunter-Regentin. This finally announced campaign - and its slogan "Let's change this forum. Together". Do you think that it's slightly eerie that he doesn't specify whether it's change for the better, or the worse? Will Myss Lyss as VP add to the campaign - or scare possible voters off? Do you think they'll be good leaders?

JRA: I think Mr. Hunter is engaging in inexcusable demagoguery and Miss Lyss is intimidating enough. Still, I'm happy to see new blood running through Islas veins and trying to take initiative.

EB: So, knowing your experience of previous years, and in light of what we just went over-

from the way the race is going, who do you think will win?

JRA: I feel this is the most important question you've asked, and I have an important answer for Islasers everywhere - I think the Islas people themselves must win this election. I think they will. It is the responsibility of all Islasers - you, everyone, and I - to bring this about. It is the Islas people themselves that will be the victor.

I think our honored President has hit the nail. Although, these candidates may not be as impressive as former ones, perhaps the winner will not live up to the standard our dear President has set, though the future may look bleak in these hours before the voting begins – Yet, it is the people of Islas that will win. Mr. John Ahern has given a very astute description of the candidates – their strengths and weaknesses. He summed up by saying that the Islasers themselves must be the winners. It is the job of whichever candidate that is elected to uphold the spirit of the unique people in Islas and to unite and strengthen them after the sharp words that were exchanged throughout elections.

The Scoop will be attempting to interview every candidate –But it will be up to you to discern whether Mr. Ahern has accurately described each candidate, and to discern which campaigner will allow the Islas people to be victorious.

Please contact the Scoop at theislasscoop@gmail.com to send in articles, interviews, suggestions, etc. Also, you may contact Miss Blake for information, if that is easier.

ISLAS Elections: the Candidates

The pre-election times in ISLAS are a season for unity. Unity of the discordant sort. Clashes of interest, clashes of opinion fill the air in these joyful times. Friends become temporary enemies, support for some candidates flames wildly and for others, well, it is sadly lacking. Elections are a time for blackmail, overabundance of colorful signatures and avatars, cheesy nonsensical slogans, bribery, and flat-out shameless advertisement of self. Some find it unbearable and tedious. Others find it amusing and comical. All agree, though, that ISLAS elections are filled with enthusiasm and push up thread creation and post rates to a ridiculous high.

Fun as they are, the elections usually last only a few months, at the most, and, by the end, everyone is happy that they are finally over. Relief abounds and everything goes back to normal.

Today, we will give you an overview of the candidates. There are four campaigns, and a fifth has been rumored; we will cover all of them.

DenHoed and DenHoed. The supposed embodiment of the confusion in today's ISLAS. The fight of man against man. Jekyll and Hyde.

Geleynse and Bertilson. Their campaign is filled with themes of unity. Races of all sorts, uniting for one cause. They are a favorite among the pirates.

De Salsa and Bertilson. MP3 player and man, running together. Not much has been heard from this campaign, so, until we have more to go on, we will not be giving our readers much more information.

Taylor and Jaramillo. Not much has been heard from this campaign, either. One signature, though, has given us a little to run on. They are the ones for Prokofiev and goat lovers everywhere.

The rumored campaign, which has not been officially announced, but many claim to have heard about, is the Hunter and Hilton campaign. Since nothing is out in the open about this supposed campaign, we do not have anything to help our readers decide whether these two are their folks. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Also, we would like to thank Mr. Speare for pointing out our error in the previous article. The campaign is de Salsa-Bertilson, not only Bertilson. We are sorry for any confusion this oversight may have caused.

Read the Scoop for all your ISLAS news!

Starrett Abducted

Certain sources that shall remain unnamed have brought to our attention that the colorful and eccentric Miss Starrett has vanished from the world as we know it.

“She was abducted by aliens,” said her alarmed dear friend, Miss Lyss. She then went back on her statement, adding that, since another friend of hers was an alien, she could say no more on the matter.

When questioned, Miss Regina Bertilson, the self-proclaimed 'alien' said, “Considering the timing of her disappearance, I expect Erin has become a victim of the Evil Mother and School conspiracies. I am not, in any way, involved in the matter. If she was abducted by aliens, it was definitely an evil branch, not from Nimba Jimba.”

Our research proves that Miss Starrett has been missing for at least a month, and alarm grows in those groups of ISLAS which knew the lovely girl. “If Erin has been kidnapped by aliens, my presidency will bring her to justice,” exclaimed Noah Bertilson, one of the vice-presidential candidates running for office. "Vote Bertilson!" he added, with fervor.

We offer our sincere sympathy to all those who knew Miss Starrett, and extend our wishes that she may be found and returned to her rightful home as soon as possible.

Introducing the Scoop

Here is the ISLAS scoop on all the spicy and slippery stories you can find! All new and all scoopy for you to read!

The news articles will begin to appear soon. We need to get out there and get the events and information, and then start writing frantically. Our top reporter, Tort Sentitude, will write and post most of the articles, but once in a while we will have a guest poster to mix things up a bit. We all love those delicious mixed-flavor ice creams!

Don't forget your scoop,

Tort