Interview: de Salsa-Bertilson Campaign

Using the questions of the esteemed Miss Blake, Tortillia Sentitude interviewed the de Salsa – Bertilson campaign.

TS: Why exactly, do you want to be president?

QdS: Well, it's quite simple, really. There are people out there who are incapable of serious, abstract, or otherwise interesting thought or speech. We need to ensure these people don't disappear off Islas merely because they're afraid to say something. In a sentence, we need to ensure the morons don't overcome the geniuses, and vice versa.

TS: Why do you think you'll be a good leader?

QdS: Because I'm honest. Look. I may be a machine, but machines are made to do things. And, if used correctly, we always do what we're made for. That said, an MP3 player as a president might still not seem a very good idea. I, however, am aptly programmed to the molecule to do the best for everyone...even the little man!

TS: What do you intend to do when you're President? What are some solid objective goals for Islas?

QdS: Well, look. First, Islas needs a good bunch of entertaining videos at a respectable frequency. To obtain this, it would probably be best to elect Miss Hunter or Mr. Denhoed, but Noah's not doing so bad either. It may have taken him more than twenty takes to capture his first campaign video, but it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been on his back with a couple dozen wet noodles. He'll learn.

Second, Islas needs to have more intellectual conversation. This is a call more to the stuttering, unvoiced masses than to the eloquent and the talkative. This goal could obviously be achieved by another administration, but I'm asking for your vote.

TS: How will these goals affect us as Islasers?

QdS: On the first one, hopefully, you'll laugh. Laughing is good medicine, and colds are going around with you humans; in fact, Mr. Bertilson has one right now. He's actually had it for quite a while.

On the second, I hope we will have more people spewing nonsense, in hopes that we, united in both stupidity and genius, fearful and brave, joyous and downcast. That way, perhaps, Islas will become greater, like iron sharpening iron. We need not be silent.

TS: How do you answer to Mr. John Ahern's accusation that you're appealing to the baser instincts of Islasers?

QdS: First, I'd like to point out this was an accusation against Mr. Geleynse, not me or Mr. Bertilson. Still, this point could be made. Given my previous statements, I have little doubt that question does not need to be answered here.

TS: Mr. Bertilson, Mr. John Ahern has suggested that you might assassinate your MP3 after the election - Do you intend to take this suggestion seriously?

NB: In truth, assassination has only passed my mind as a dark thought, quickly to be tossed into the black mental abyss. On the other hand, in recent days, Quivie and I have discussed the possibility of breaking our current ticket in half and having myself as either one or the other part of another ticket. This seems nearly impossible, as there are few active Islasers who are not either running for President, vice president, prime minister, vice minister, or already supporting a candidate. Miss Russell, who we previously queried on the possibility of her becoming our campaign manager, but, as I recall, she considered herself much too busy for such a venture. Also, I'd like to remind Mr. Ahern that Quivie has not merely Coldplay, though it does occupy a fairly good portion of her music. Also are the Dark Knight and Batman Begins, by Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard, at least the latter of which might be credited as something of a classical composer. Also included are several singles from various bands, Klaus Badelt's Pirates of the Carribean, Hans Zimmer's Crimson Tide, and Harry Gregson-Williams' The Chronicles of Narnia, the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. As you could easily deduce, I think, Quivie is not by any means only occupied by Coldplay's songs, but also by numerous other bands and composers.

TS: What do you have to say to those who believe an MP3 player is not a fit president for ISLAS?

QdS: Well, if I'm not to be included on the ticket, vote for me anyway, but yet make it known you'd rather not have a two-ounce brick of metal, plastic and silicon, and, perhaps, we'll consider other options after the primaries.

TS: Why should we vote for you?

Both: Well, if you're a moron, or even an overexposed genius, who's better for you? We mean to attempt to reclaim the balance between the two, and hopefully set in place measures to ensure that continues. Islas should not be only a place for the intellectual, but for the blockhead who looks up to the aforesaid. Islas shouldn't have to turn down newbies, because the smart ones will not only tolerate them, but attempt to impart their knowledge and intelligence to those who ask. Islas, remember, it was words, two thousand years ago, which made the lame leap. Today, it need be no different.

Quivie de Salsa promises much for the population of ISLAS, such as uniting everyone in their lack of intelligence and overabundance of intelligence. Does this promise a strong campaign, or will those ISLAS-ers who are easily insulted take offense at the implication that there are 'morons' on ISLAS? De Salsa gives hope of a strong ISLAS with laughter and insanity, but will these be able to overcome the fact that she is but a small machine, running for office? Will ISLAS be able to look past her shiny metal exterior to the beautiful being within?

The weight of the election lies upon our shoulders, here at the Scoop, and we will try to finish off the interviews as speedily as possible. We know many of you are impatient for the election to begin.

Please contact the Scoop at theislasscoop@gmail.com to send in articles, interviews, suggestions, etc. Also, you may contact Miss Blake for information, if that is easier.