Interview: John R. Ahern

Conducted by the brilliant Miss Erin Blake, an interview with our very own former president, John R. Ahern:

As the time of voting draws nigh, the Scoop has decided to run a series of interviews. We hope to interview all of the candidates and have an article on each campaign. However, the Scoop’s team of editors has decided that it would be fitting to start the series with an interview of our former president, the Honorable Mr. John Ahern.

I started the interview with a general question concerning the elections:

EB: How do you feel about these elections?

Do you feel that any of the candidates have the ability to improve life in Islas? - Do you think any of them has the ability to surpass the example you have set?

JRA: Naturally, it wouldn't be modest of me to speculate on any of the current candidates surpassing my precedent. But I have my doubts, in general, about the Islas elections. Most of the candidates I simply don't think can do the job of leading Islas, and the ones who could probably won't get elected because the Voice of the People represents a people profoundly devoid of understanding. I'm grieved -- truly grieved -- at how far down the quality of posting has gone in Islas over the summer. I think this may be due, in part, to a sort of high or rowdiness that Islasers get after having met other Islasers. We all know that happened.

EB: So how do you feel about giving up the power, personally? Do you long to continue to be in control? What about these rumors of you taking control of ISLAS, and becoming supreme dictator?

JRA: Oh, the nostalgic, megalomaniac pangs are always there. Sometimes I just wish they were strong enough to take hold of me and give me the inspiration to declare myself dictator...but I am weak and infirm in my old age, and I doubt my feeble constitution would allow me any dramatic entrance into politics.

EB: Which campaign are you considering supporting?

JRA: I really can't say, but I promise all the fair readers of The Scoop that I will announce my endorsement of an Islaser shortly before the elections.

EB: What do you think about team Denhoed-Denhoed? Do you think its slogan "Avoid a Feud" is bizarre? What about Mark running with himself? Will that make a good presidential team?

JRA: I admit, "Avoid a Feud" was a slightly uncomfortable rhyme. And I, for one, found the idea of running with oneself amusing, partly because I think not a few of us were expecting he would run with who turned out to be his campaign manager, Hannah Roorda. And, while I did like the recent speech he gave his campaign techniques, I think DenHoed, like everyone else, has yet to prove himself a worthy candidate, let alone a worthy team.

EB: Team Geleynse-Bertilson. What do you think of them? Do they have enough content, or are they just a bandwagon? Their slogan - Does it add?

JRA: I think it's clear Mr. Geleynse has obvious sway in the public and has voiced concerns that a majority of Islasers can sympathize with. But his popularity is faltering at this point, partly due to the many other alternatives that have been popping up. And I do have to object all those obnoxious signatures he's making. He's appealing to the baser instincts of Islasers, and I'm not particularly impressed in that regard.

EB: De Salsa-Bertilson. Do YOU think running with an MP3 is a poor idea? What about others in Islas? Will Bertilson be a good leader? Will he be submissive to his MP3? Too submissive?

JRA: It all depends upon what he has on his MP3. Coldplay? My, my, I really couldn't stand that as president. I'd be slightly more comfortable if Bertilson outlined a plan right now for assassinating the other half of his ticket.

EB: Taylor-Jaramillo. What do you think? Will the Prokofiev-Goat theme hold, if they get elected? Will it get them elected? Do you believe they have the Panache and style?

JRA: Impressive. I've always admired the musical tastes of both. But I'm skeptical that they're presidential material.

EB: Hunter-Hilton. This team has definitely set themselves up to be the intellectual team. But in your opinion, would turning Islas into an intellectual forum be a good thing? Or would it kill the unique spirit of Islas pride?

JRA: I think the intellectualism is compelling, but they're going to have to prove themselves accessible to the public. We've hardly heard a word.

EB: Hunter-Regentin. This finally announced campaign - and its slogan "Let's change this forum. Together". Do you think that it's slightly eerie that he doesn't specify whether it's change for the better, or the worse? Will Myss Lyss as VP add to the campaign - or scare possible voters off? Do you think they'll be good leaders?

JRA: I think Mr. Hunter is engaging in inexcusable demagoguery and Miss Lyss is intimidating enough. Still, I'm happy to see new blood running through Islas veins and trying to take initiative.

EB: So, knowing your experience of previous years, and in light of what we just went over-

from the way the race is going, who do you think will win?

JRA: I feel this is the most important question you've asked, and I have an important answer for Islasers everywhere - I think the Islas people themselves must win this election. I think they will. It is the responsibility of all Islasers - you, everyone, and I - to bring this about. It is the Islas people themselves that will be the victor.

I think our honored President has hit the nail. Although, these candidates may not be as impressive as former ones, perhaps the winner will not live up to the standard our dear President has set, though the future may look bleak in these hours before the voting begins – Yet, it is the people of Islas that will win. Mr. John Ahern has given a very astute description of the candidates – their strengths and weaknesses. He summed up by saying that the Islasers themselves must be the winners. It is the job of whichever candidate that is elected to uphold the spirit of the unique people in Islas and to unite and strengthen them after the sharp words that were exchanged throughout elections.

The Scoop will be attempting to interview every candidate –But it will be up to you to discern whether Mr. Ahern has accurately described each candidate, and to discern which campaigner will allow the Islas people to be victorious.

Please contact the Scoop at theislasscoop@gmail.com to send in articles, interviews, suggestions, etc. Also, you may contact Miss Blake for information, if that is easier.